A good paragraph should have a topic/title, a topic sentence/main idea with with essential details that support the main idea. A good paragraph should end with a concluding sentence or a clincher!
After posting your own paragraph please evaluate at LEAST one other peer.
What did they do well? WHY
What can they improve? HOW
The Worst Vacation Ever!
ReplyDeleteIf I had to choose the worst vacation I would choose to be stuck on an abandoned Island with no one with me for many reasons. First of all, this island has a dumb pear tree. The bad thing about that is I HATE pears. Second of all, there is no tent, house or any type of building there. And that means there is no place to sleep. Third of all, the island is surrounded with salt water. So now I have to worry about fresh water to drink and sharks. Isn’t that lovely? That would be the WORST vacation EVER!
Written By: Maria
Thanks Maria
DeleteThe Worst Vacation EVER!
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation would have to be going to Alaska! The first reason is you would be FREEZING COLD!! I hate being cold. Don’t you? Also you might FREEZE TO DEATH!! AHHHHH!!!!! By the way... Everything is made out of ice... Uhmmm... You might fall and break something that wouldn’t be good to do on a vacation... Would it?! You would have to wear a Winter jacket every day of the Year! You wouldn’t be able move!! I wouldn’t be able to stand it!! I mean COME ON!! There you go! Alaska would be the worst place to go on a vacation EVER!!! Don’t you think??
By: Christina
Disney World
ReplyDeleteTo me the worst vacation would have to be Disney World! The First Reason is, you are
surrounded by Mickey Mouse’s...that could get very Creepy! Another reason Disney World is the worst vacation, because they play little kid music. Such as it’s a small, small world, after a while that gets annoying! The final reason Disney World is the worst vacation is, because there is little kids screaming or crying, everywhere. And with the little kid music and little kids screaming/crying, that will drive you completely INSANE! Now you know why Disney World is not the place to go.
~ Meagan
I am responding to Maria's post:
ReplyDeleteThings that you did well:
I love the transitions you used! Your concluding sentence is creative! Well done.
Things you can improve:
Add vivid language like when describing the pear tree. Also, why do you hate pears...can you describe the bad taste?
I also think you should add vivid language and detail throughout your paragraph.
Please consider my feedback and make changes.
Nice job.
Mrs. Starr
I am responding to Christina's entry. I think that you did a good job putting questions in because it gets the reader involved. I think you can improve on extending your beginning sentence because it wouldn't catch my attion if I was walking by in the hall. But I think your story ROCKED! Keep up the good work Christina.
ReplyDeleteYour friend Maria M
I am responding to Maria, I think you did a good job at having humor. I think this because you said " Now I Have to worry about sharks, Isn't that lovely?" I think you could improve on nothing! I think this because you did a very good job!
ReplyDeleteBy: Meagan!
I am responding to Maria's entry.
ReplyDelete* I think you did a great job with your transitions because they are exciting and wicked cool!!
* I think you could improve on having better ideas and better following sentences because you didn't explain very well
* But over all Great Job :)
Posed by: Christina
The Worst Vacation
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation in the world would have to be baby-sitting crazy loud little kids, watching a puppet show. As a result, I am too old for little kid puppet shows. I’d be the oldest member in the crowd! Also, the little kids would be laughing obnoxiously! =P In addition to that reason, laughing obnoxiously would cause headaches. =^{ Furthermore, I hate puppets. They creep me out. =O So, as you can see, it would be torture to watch a puppet show with crazy little kids, much younger than I am. =^D
By,
Jilly A.
I am responding to Meagan's post.
ReplyDeleteThings you did well:
Use of transitions!! Strong concluding sentence!
Things you need to improve: GRAMMAR + PROOFREAD
For example:
When you wrote: "The First Reason is, you are
surrounded by Mickey Mouse’s...that could"
You should not have capitals in the middle of sentences-also, remove your comma-it is not used appropriately. The ... that you chose to use following Mickey Mouse's - should be replaced with "and"
Mrs. Starr
The Worst Vacation Ever!
ReplyDeleteIf I had to choose the worst vacation I would choose to be stuck on an abandoned Island with none of my friends or family with me for many reasons. First of all, this island has a dumb pear tree. The bad thing about that is I HATE pears.I don’t like pears because I think that they taste like an old woman’s foot (not that I know what that tastes like). Second of all, there is no tent, house or any type of building there. And that means there is no place to sleep and if it rains I could get drenched. Third of all, the island is surrounded with salt water. So now I have to worry about fresh water to drink and sharks. Isn’t that lovely? But I think that the only good thing is... o.k there is nothing good about being stuck on an abandoned Island all by myself. And that ends my story because, that would be the WORST vacation EVER!
Written By: Maria
Demon
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation that could be taken is a one way ticket to the Underworld. First, the Underworld is painful because you’ll be tortured for all eternity. It’ll fell like one million swords getting stabbed into you. Secondly, the Underworld is scary. The god of the Underworld feeds of suffering, so he will scare you for ever. Lastly, the Underworld is hard to work. You have to work 24/7. That’s why the Underworld is the worst place to go on vacation.
BY.KENNETH
I am responding to Christina's post.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Maria, I like how you used questions to involve the reader: a great strategy!
I think an area you can improve is describing your essential details...like, how cold it is? Can you see your breath? Does your nose freeze? Describe your jacket, why can't you move?
Great start!
I am responding to Meagan's entry.
ReplyDeleteI think that you did a good job with using humor because it shows your inner... ummm... humorous... ness? hahaha =P
I think that you could improve on checking your work with the quotation marks and organizing it a little more better such as,"It's a Small, Small World," and "There ARE little kids screaming" because it gets a little confusing.
Great job!
Love,
Jilly <3
Disney World
ReplyDeleteTo me the worst vacation would have to be Disney World! The first reason is, there are Mickey Mouse’s every where and that could get very Creepy! Another reason Disney World is the worst vacation because they play little kid music. Such as it’s a small, small world, after a while that gets annoying! The final reason Disney World is the worst vacation is, because there is little kids screaming or crying, every where. So with the little kid music and little kids screaming/crying, that will drive you completely INSANE! Now you know why Disney World is not the place to go.
~ Meagan
I am responding t o Jillian's entry. I thing you did a good job explaining after your supporting details. I think you could improve on not putting the little signs in because i kinda got confused. But good job
ReplyDeleteMaria M
I am posting to Meagan's entry.
ReplyDelete* I think you did a AWESOME job explaining why you think Disney world would be the worst vacation!! And by using vivid language!!
* I don't think you need to improve on anything you pretty much did every thing Mrs.Starr said to do!!
** Your paragraph was AWESOME!!! :D
One of your Best Friends,
Christina (:
Summer school
ReplyDeleteI think summer school would be the worst vacation ever. The first reason is you would have to do work. For example you would have to do math over the summer. The second reason is you would be in school over the summer. More important than that, it would be taking away your fun time. In spite of that you would have to see the school over the summer. Because you saw the school the rest of your summer will be bad. As you can see these are all the reasons why summer school would be the worst vacation ever.
Dylan
I am responding to Jillian's paragraph.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! How unique and funny. Lots of personality and voice!!!!
You need to improve: grammar and mechanics, such as:
You wrote, "loud little kids, watching a puppet show." get rid of the comma-it's not needed.
Also, you wrote: "As a result, I am too old for little kid puppet shows." I don't think you are too old as a result of babysitting kids at a puppet show are you? Does babysitting make you too old?? ---I would change this--use another transition!
Georgia
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation to take would have to be going to Georgia. In the first place, it is hot in Georgia. In the second place, I got bitten up by bugs. In the third place, the snakes in Georgia freak me out because they are poisonous. I will not vacation in Georgia because of the heat, bugs and snakes.
By:Ashley
I am responding to Jillian,
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job at explaining things!
(you said the kids laughter will lead to headaches)
I think you did a very good job and don't have to fix anything!
Posted By: Meagan
I am responding to Kenny's entry.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job with your intro because it was a good way of stating it.
I think you could improve on checking your work because some of it doesn't make much sense and there were a few spelling errors.
Good job!
~Jilly
I am responding to Kenny's post:
ReplyDeleteSolid paragraph! Mechanics are good. An area to improve is adding some vivid language. What does the underworld look like?
Mrs. Starr
Cool-Ville Of Awesomeness
ReplyDeletemy utopian society is the same as the real world but ten times better. You would se pimped out cars four wheelers and trucks and all other vechles and military helicopters air planes and jets of all kinds. You will also se prehistoric birds with a wingspan of 3 inches to 30 feet they also have different colors and shapes and sizes. These birds also have there own personality's. You will also see dragons with a wingspan of 3 inches to 30 feet. there are some dragons with different colors or with all kinds of colors. Some dragons have horns and some are without horns. Some are dangerous and some are harmless and wouldn’t hurt a human even if it’s life depended on it. Every dragon has it’s own personality. You will also see sea monsters and serpents in the lakes and ocean and huge prehistoric fish and sharks. Here you will also see griffins and other mythical creatures running or walking what ever they do throughout the community. The community will have hills, mountains, valleys, roads, and fields. The rules are no murdering anyone. you can do anything else but murder someone. You will feel cool and the awesomeness of being a part of this community of Cool-Ville
By Aaron B.
I am responding to ashley's
ReplyDeleteI think it was very creative to write about georgia.
you did a good job.
-Aaron B
and how you had the details about georgia and what you have to be careful of like snakes.
ReplyDeleteto:ashley
from:Aaron B.