A good paragraph should have a topic/title, a topic sentence/main idea with with three sentences that support the main idea. A good paragraph should end with a concluding sentence or a clincher! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After posting your own paragraph please evaluate at LEAST one other peer.
What did they do well? WHY
What can they improve? HOW
The Best Week Ever.
ReplyDeleteThe best week ever was when i went to Florida for many reasons. The first reason it was the best week ever is that the only other time i went there was when i was 4 and i was to young to remember. The second reason that was the best week ever is that i saw my grandma. She is 87 years old. I did not see her in a really long time. the last reason it was the best week ever is that i went to cool places. I went to Disney World, the Kennedy space center,an awesome beach called coco beach and best of all, a buffet called the golden coral! As you can see, going to Florida was the best week ever.
One Of My Favorite Days
ReplyDeleteHave you ever had the best day ever? Well I did, it was on Christmas. When I woke up I went down stairs to open up my presents. The present I got first was an xbox. The xbox came with a game, two controllers, a console and xboxlive. Then when I opened my second present and got games. The games I got were for xbox, DSI, computer games and apps. After that I when I opened up another present I got a mic. The mic was for the xbox so I could talk to friends on xbox live and hear them. Lastly I got some toys. The toys were legos, a DSI, action figures and a laptop. As you can see this is the best day ever.
By Zachary G
I am responding to zack gs entry.
ReplyDeleteyou did a good job using deatials. You had some goodfolow up sentances. You can improve with grammer. One last thing is a laptop is not a toy.
The Best Two Weeks Ever
ReplyDeleteDo you ever wonder what the best two weeks of your life is? Well I don’t, the best two week of my life would be going to Bonaire last summer! One reason it was the best day was because I got to spend time with my cousins that live in Massachusetts. That was the the so good because they are really fun to be with! Secondly, I got to spend time with all of my relatives! I had a lot of fun because I hardly get to see them! Next, the beautiful scenery. I love to go on the dock to watch the sunset! Lastly, it is really fun to go to all of the different places on the island. For example, I love to go to the donkey sanctuary, all of the beaches, and most of all the caves! As you can see going to Bonaire was the best two weeks ever!
By Jalyn
I think you have some good details and follow up sentences. You could improve on your GUMS and try to add a fourth detail. But overall that was a good writing piece.
ReplyDeleteYour friend Zachary G :)
I am responding to Jaylys entry.
ReplyDeleteWOW that must have been interesting. You did a good job using follow up sentences and supporting details. I do not think you spelled sancuary right though but maybe you did
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI am responding to Zach G's post. You did a great job writing your paragraph! You opened with a great hook, you used proper transitions and included essential detail and follow up sentences. Again, an area you need to improve is GUMS. Print a copy of your paragraph to proofread with a friend, then revise your writing and come see me to proof read together. Another area you can improve is adding vivid details, what did your presents look like wrapped? There are several areas where vivid language would bring your paragraph to life!
ReplyDeleteAll in all, nice work!
Your teacher and friend,
Mrs. Starr
I am responding to Jalyn's entry
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job following the paragraph form and using vivid language throughout your paragraph!! I would like you to make three specific changes to improve your paragraph. They are as follows:
1. When you wrote: "Do you ever wonder what the best two weeks of your life is? Well I don’t, the best two week of my life would be going to Bonaire last summer!"
********Tense Issues and Plural Issues*****
Change to:
"Do you ever wonder what the best two weeks of your life have been? Well I don’t, the best two week of my life were when I went to Bonaire last summer!"
-------------------------------------------------
2. Next, your first essential detail sentence was:
"One reason it was the best day was because"
Change to...
"First, it was the best two weeks because"
This is a nice beginning transition and you are not talking about the day, but weeks...
-------------------------------------------------
3. Lastly, another area you need to change is that your first and second reasons (essential details) are the same because your cousins are your relatives, so it's repetitive. Eliminate one or add another reason to support your topic sentence.
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See me with any questions about revising your writing.
Your teacher and friend,
Mrs. Starr
I am responding to Robert the Great's entry. First, I like how you followed the paragraph diagram and included essential detail sentences, as well as follow up sentences. Now it's time to refine your writing.
ReplyDelete1. GUMS All i's should be capitalized. Also, all proper nouns should begin in a capital.
2. Please use transitions like First, next, then, lastly, in conclusion instead of one reason, another reason...and so forth
All in all, nice work.
Your teacher and friend,
Mrs. Starr
I am responding to Jaden's entry. Great paragraph overall with a great HOOK!!!! You can refine your paragraph by doing the following:
ReplyDelete1. You wrote: "The first reason is that there was really cool rides at Disney World."
Instead, just use First, there were...
2. You can also improve by adding a transition to your second essential detail sentence.
3. You could add vivid language to create a mind movie for the reader.
Great job overall, but it's time to take your writing to next level of greatness:)
Your teacher and friend,
Mrs. Starr
The Best Day Ever!
ReplyDeleteWhat was your best day ever? ‘Well,’ today I’m going to tell you about my best day ever. My best day ever was when I got my dog. A wiener dog exact. One reason why it was my best day ever Is because I was so excited and happy. I was excited and happy because I had never have had I dog before and It was ever excited. The second reason why getting a dog was my best day ever for me Is because I was kinda nervous but so happy at the same time. I was nervous because I didn’t know if the dog was going to be mean or not... The last reason It was the best day ever was because I go to have the dog so I could walk It and sleep with It and everything I was thrilled. As you can see, getting a dog was the best day ever for me.
By:Nikita
The best day ever was when my cousin Brianna told me she might move back to Richford for high school. First, Brianna came over to my house to sleep over because she needed to get away from her sister and I couldn’t go to her house. Second, Brianna and I walked around the block about fifty times to get away from my sister because she bothers us. Then, we talked and then I asked where she was going to go for high school and she said Richford and I might be moving back. YAY!!!!!! As you can see, that was the best day EVER!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteBye Becca
The Best Day Of My Life
ReplyDeleteThe best day of my life was when I got my cat IttyBitty and FlipFlop. First, I wanted a cat ever since my dog Ninja died and my Dad’s boss’s wife had free kittens. (I think thats who had them) I got to choose which one I wanted and one as a surprise for dad. Secondly, they were really cute, fluffy and cuddly. (after we gave them a bath to get rid of the fleas) I thought I would never see one of them again because he crawled under the counter and into a space between the cupboards and it took for ever for him to came out and my mom set up a bed for me to wait for him. Lastly, He is still around for me to cuddle and sleep with, even after some close calls. (a.k.a. falling out of windows)
As you can see the day I got my cats was the best day of my life! (don’t really know if it is it is the first thing I thought of)
By Kyle H.
Best Day Ever!
ReplyDeleteHave you ever had the best day ever? Mine was Disney World for many reasons. The first reason is that there was really cool rides at Disney World. There was a ride called Splash Mountain and you went through caves on a boat and at the end of the ride you drop off a water fall and splash into the water. You could see all the lights and rides at the opening of the cave. I think it was better at night time. Second, I thought the Disney World parade was awesome. The lights and the moving boats were huge! They light up the whole street. Third, I thought that the fireworks were really cool because they were huge and they were right over the Disney Castle. There was different shapes and they were bright and had many colors. Lastly, the Toy Story ride was really cool. It was cool because you had a lazer gun and you were inside a swirling tunnel with lights and you had to shoot the bad guys and all of the targets that were moving. At the end, you stop spinning and you wish you could go on it a million times. As you can see, this is why Disney World was my best day ever.
By Jaden S
I am responding to Nikita's entry. You did a nice job following the paragraph format and have a great topic sentence that hooks the reader, but there is also a lot of room for improvement.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote:
"What was your best day ever? ‘Well,’ today I’m going to tell you about my best day ever. My best day ever was when I got my dog. A wiener dog exact. One reason why it was my best day ever Is because I was so excited and..."
You should delete:
"‘Well,’ today I’m going to tell you about my best day ever." because you say the same thing in the following sentence.
Also, you should change your transitions from "One reason..." to first, next, lastly...
I can't wait to read your revisions!
Your Teacher and Friend,
Mrs. Starr
I am responding to Becca's entry. Your essential detail sentences do not support your topic sentence. Your essential detail sentences should be telling why your cousin moving to Richford made your day, not the events that happened that day. Please rewrite or see me for a conference.
ReplyDeleteYour teacher and friend,
Mrs. Starr
I am responding to Jaden's entry. Bravo! Please hand in for assessment:)
ReplyDeleteYour teacher and friend,
Mrs. Starr
I am responding to Kyle's entry. I like how you followed the paragraph diagram and used proper transitions. I also liked reading about your cat. I think you can improve by doing the following:
ReplyDeleteYou begin by naming two cats, but go on to talk about one...either tell the reader about both or only introduce one cat in your topic sentence. Another area you can improve is where you include ()...these should end a sentence with a period outside of the space (thought here).
Can't wait to read your final draft!
Your teacher and friend,
Mrs. Starr
The Best Day Ever
ReplyDeleteThe best day ever was when I moved to Richford. I loved moving to Richford because I met a bunch of new friends. Some of the friends I met were really nice! Like Jalyn was right there in my class but Erin and Lizzie were in Mrs. Allens class. The second reason I liked moving to Richford is because all the teachers were so kind! I’d have to say that all the teachers were my favorite! Even though I will be leaving next year I still like the three teachers I’ve had for homeroom! The last reason I liked moving to Richford is because Richford is better than Berkshire. Berkshire had two fifteen minute recesses and Richford has one thirty minute recesses. Personally I think the one thirty minute recess is better. All in all the best day ever was when I moved to Richford.
The Best Day Of My Life
ReplyDeleteRevised
The best day of my life was when I got my cat IttyBitty and FlipFlop. First, I wanted a cat ever since my dog Ninja died and my Dad’s boss’s wife had free kittens. (I think thats who had them). I got to choose which one I wanted and one as a surprise for dad. Secondly, they were really cute, fluffy and cuddly. (after we gave them a bath to get rid of the fleas). When we got home FlipFlop ran off some where and IttyBitty crawled under the counter and into a space between the cupboards and it took for ever for him to came out and my mom set up a bed for me to wait for him. Lastly, He is still around for me to cuddle and sleep with, even after some close calls. (a.k.a. falling out of windows). As you can see the day I got my cats was the best day of my life! (don’t really know if it is it is the first thing I thought of). Note: I think thats what FlipFlop did when we got home. Note 2: The reason we named FlipFlop FlipFlop be cause he flops on your feet like a dog and named IttyBitty IttyBitty because he was the runt of the litter. (well that and he had worms).
By Kyle H.
Best Day Ever!
ReplyDeleteOne day I was at my brother’s house and my old best friend Maia walked out and said, Hi this is Maia do you rember me? I did. First, We went to my house and Maia spent the night she played games with me and had so much fun. Next, Me and Maia went to the movie’s and watched a good movie. Lastly, We went to the mall for a few hours. This is the best day ever because I got to see my old best friend and got to hang out with her!
Monique
The best day ever was on Christmas. I woke up and went down the hall way and open presints. The 1st prisent was a xbox 360 with one game and 2 padels. The 2nd prisent i open was 4 games for the xbox 360. The 3rd presint was a psp with 3 games an i movie . By Zack F
ReplyDeleteTitlle THE BEST DAY EVER
I am responding to Moniques' post. Nice job following the paragraph diagram! You need to rewrite your topic sentence...why was this the best day ever? You do not say until your concluding sentence. Also, you need a concluding transition:) like as you can see or in conclusion.
ReplyDeleteYour teacher and friend,
Mrs. Starr
I am giving moniqe feed back
ReplyDeleteit was pritty good you cold of say how long u where out there for but good job
The Best Day Ever!
ReplyDeleteDo you want to hear about my best day? The best day ever was when I got a dog. The first was that he was very hiper he kept jumping around and barking and jumped on people and was barking a lot.secondly I was so excited. I was so excited because I thought it was just the coolest thing to be able to have my very own dog that I could name whatever I want and I could teach him anything I wanted.lastly I did not really like him at first.i did not really like him because he was way to wild and and at my birthday he ran after my cousin and once he got up to him and trampled over him! But tht was a little funny. Anyways as you can se that was the best day ever!
By, Mckenna
I am responding to Olivia's post. You did a nice job using the paragraph diagram to lead your writing! The format is perfect! You can improve by adding a transition to your first essential detail sentence like "First," Why else was Richford better than Berkshire other than recess? Please describe as FUS. Great concluding transition!
ReplyDeleteYour teacher,
Mrs. Starr
The Best Day Ever
ReplyDeleteThe best day ever was when I moved to Richford. I loved moving to Richford because I met a bunch of new friends. Some of the friends I met were really nice! Like Jalyn was right there in my class but Erin and Lizzie were in Mrs. Allens class. The second reason I liked moving to Richford is because all the teachers were so kind! I’d have to say that all the teachers were my favorite! Even though I will be leaving next year I still like the three teachers I’ve had for homeroom! The last reason I liked moving to Richford is because Richford is better than Berkshire. Berkshire had two fifteen minute recesses and Richford has one thirty minute recesses. Personally I think the one thirty minute recess is better. Also in Berkshire we had to move around from class to class. It was tiring. Also some of the people there are mean! Personally I think the one thirty minute recess is better.
In Richford I have a lot of friends. The Berkshire school also has longer school days than the Richford school does. All in all the best day ever was when I moved to Richford!
By Olivia L :D
The best day(s) ever
ReplyDeleteThe best days ever were the first week I went to Flynn camp. First I was really nervous. Until I walked onto the Flynn main-stage where I had seen so many different actors and actresses preform. There I met Judy the director. There were baskets of markers and lots of paper everywhere! She told me that they were to write down all our Ideas for our new movies. And I had lots of Ideas ready to be put into action. I met the rest of the kid within minuets. There were lots of kids that had the same interest in wizards and wands as me and I made a lot of new friends. After that we played a lot of games on the first day and then we split up into 3 groups. Each group came up with one movie for our cd. Each kid got to be in 2 of the movies and got to do some behind the scene work for one. I was a spy in one, a wizard in another, and I got to be the location scout for the third. But the best day was the last an final day. We got to make a music video! We got a lot of instruments and we danced and sang to we will rock you. Our producer Kyle also made a bloopers reel. It was amazingly funny! We got a projector and a cd player and we showed all the movies to the parents. We made tickets and snacks and everyone had a blast! All in all I had fun at camp. LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!
by erin
I am responding to erins post.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a really good job with discription and transitions. But I dont think you told what your ideas for the movies were! But Anyways you did a G-reat job! say it like the frosted flakes tiger!
Olivia
ReplyDeleteyou did a great job saying why moving to richford was you best day ever. you had a lot of details and voice that being said, you need more detail about your feeling and emotions, before and after you moved.
Great job :) :) :) :) 4 of 5 smiley faces
I am responding to Erin's post. I enjoyed reading about Your Best Days Ever (by the way, the title should appear like that:), for you included lots of detail and interesting information. However, I feel like you are getting away from the paragraph diagram and not following its structure. Did you use a paragraph diagram? Please do and rewrite your piece so that your essential detail sentences and FUS support your topic sentence. Also, please add proper transitions. See me with any questions you may have:)
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to see your revised writing!
Your teacher and friend,
Mrs. Starr
I am responding to McKenna's post. I love your topic sentence! Nice job creating a "Hook." I also like how you used transitions! This is also an area you need to work on.
ReplyDeleteYou Wrote:
"The first w" change this to "First, he was..."
Also, you wrote:
"ot.secondly I was so excited." this should be "ot. Secondly, I was so excited."
Lastly, you wrote:
"ted.lastly I did n" you need a space, a capital and a comma...
"ted. Lastly, I did..."
Overall nice job, can't wait to read your final draft.
Your teacher and friend,
Mrs. Starr
Best Day Ever
ReplyDeleteThe best day ever is when i got a dog! First, when i got a dog I was so happy. The dog is happy. Two, I played with the dog. Then, I named the dog Jay Jay. Jay Jay liked it. Now you can see this is my best day ever!
By Tyler
i am responding to tylers writing you did a nice job but you need to have more details.
ReplyDeleteyour friend,
mckenna
I am responding to Tyler's post. You did a nice job following the paragraph diagram. You also did a great job using transitions: "First, Then, Now you can see...
ReplyDeleteCan you change "Two" to "Secondly"?
An area you can improve is capitalizing all i's, like, "The best day ever was when I got a dog." Also, you need to work on tense. You keep shifting from present to past tense...was, when, then is what I should see for past tense NOT is --- any time you see a "is" you need to change it to "was."
I can't wait to see your changes and see me with any questions!
Your teacher and friend,
Mrs. Starr
Your blog is a fine resource to get curious info! Will you be mind if I reblog several of your articles on my personal portal?
ReplyDeleteMy best day ever is when my parents and I were in California. Since my parents love me and I like cars, we went to California to see a lot of cars I want to see. At the last day, we "accidently" passed by a car show "The Queil." Since the car show is not ready yet, it's free for everyone to walk and see the cars that's not covered, it's also free. We also saw a Shelby Daytona Coupe ($4.4 million), Pagani Huayra ($1.3 million), Ferrari F50 ($650000),McLaren F1 ($3 million), and a Koenigsegg Agera R ($1.6 million)!!! If we miss that day, we'll have to pay 400 doller per person!!! We've also saw A LOT of expensive cars on the road that day (Fisker Karma, Ferrari Enzo...) It's the best day ever and a best lucky day.
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