Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The worst day of my life was...

A good paragraph should have a topic/title, a topic sentence/main idea with with three sentences that support the main idea.  A good paragraph should end with a concluding sentence or a clincher! 

After posting your own paragraph please evaluate at LEAST one other peer.  
What did they do well? WHY
What can they improve? HOW

57 comments:

  1. The worst day of my life

    The worst day of my life was when my great grandmother died. First, That was the worst day because We had just started a party and it was really fun every one there had a great time. Second, We got a phone call from my cousins in Avon Mass And they said my grandmother had just died and hour before they got a call from the nursing home. Lastly, My mom came over and hugged me and every one said i am sorry and left then me and my mom hugged each other and cried. As you can see that is the worst day of my life........
    By Becca

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    Replies
    1. one day i saw abook I allwast what it and my it cause 100$ so we did not buy it and I got a few bboo

      Delete
  2. The Worst Day Of My Life
    Do you want to know what was the worst day of my life? Well if you don’t too bad! The worst day of my life would probably be getting stitches on my lip. Now I will tell you why it is the worst day of my life! First of all the reason I had to get stitches is because ice fell strait through my lip. It was so bloody when it happened! Next, my mom had to rush me to the emergency room! It was a little scary being there in all. Then when we got there I had to get into the room to get the stitches. The Doctor had to put inject a medicine with a shot so it hurt a lot! Finally, at the end of getting my stitches on my lip was huge and it hurt like crazy! I also got a milk shake and a baby doll for being so good. As you can see getting stitches was the worst day of my life!
    By Jalyn

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am reasponding to jayln's entry.
    I think you did grat on the f.u.s.
    but I think you could improv on you capitals
    But over all you did great
    your friend becca

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am responding to Rebeccas post:
    You did a good job explaining how you were soo happy one day and then you got realy sad. Some thing you could work on is caps for example And should not be caps. (But good job over all.)
    Your friend and classmate:
    Jalyn
    :^)

    ReplyDelete
  5. The Worst Day Ever
    The worst day ever would be bad for many reasons. Like when your sick on Christmas. First, it’s bad because you have to miss out on part of Christmas. You don’t get to see other people open up their presents. Next, I couldn’t eat any candy on Christmas. Who doesn’t eat no candy at all on Christmas. Lastly, I had to wait to open up all of my presents. No one wants to wait to open up their presents. As you can see, this is why it’s not fun to be sick on Christmas. By Jaden S

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  6. I am responding to Becca's entry. You did a nice job following the paragraph format and adding transitions. I think that you can improve by changing your first reason because it does not support your topic sentence. You can also improve on checking your GUMS with a friend, you have some words that are capitalized that should not be.

    Your Teacher and Friend,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am responding to Jalyn's entry. I love your opening sentence (aka topic sentence), way to hook the reader! You also did a nice job using detail and adding transitions. You can improve by adding a comma after using transitions. Also, I would delete "Now I will tell you why it is the worst day of my life!" for this is repetitive. All in all, good job!

    Your Teacher and Friend,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am responding to Jaden't post. You did a nice job following paragraph format and using transitions. This isn't the best paragraph you have written, but it works. I think that you can improve by adding more detail and possibly combining your first two sentences to make a stronger topic sentence. You could also open by asking a question, this would be a hook.

    Your Teacher and Friend,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  9. The Hurtful Surprise
    Have you ever had the worst day ever? Well I did when I split my head open and got it stitched. First, it happened by I was just hanging up side down. I said hi to some one and lost my grip and fell. Next, when I was falling I saw my life flash before my eyes. I saw me hitting a home run and scoring a goal. Thirdly, when I hit the ground I couldn’t move. I saw blood dripping down from my face. I wanted to scream or cry for help but nothing came out of my mouth. After, that I was rushed to the emergence room. It was scary and it smelt like there was a plastic and it smelt weird. As you can see, this is the worst day of my life.
    By Zachary G

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  10. I am responding to Zachary's entry:
    I think that Zack did a good job wit transitsions but I don't understand the sentence After, that I rushed to the emergency room. Good job! From Jaden S

    ReplyDelete
  11. The Worst Day Ever!
    Today I’m going to tell you about my worst day ever. “Well,” my worst day ever was when my grandpa died from cancer. One reason it was the worst day ever was because I missed him and I would never see him again. A second reason It was the worst day ever is because everyone in my family was sad and I don’t like to see my family be sad because it makes me sad. A third reason It was the worst day ever is because I would never get to see him ever again so I could not go to his house anymore and talk to him and stuff. As you can see that was the worst day ever for me.

    By:Nikita

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  12. I am responding to Zach G's entry. Wow, that really sounds like a bad day! I like how you used transitions and included four essential details and FUS. I think you can improve by proofreading your piece, first with a friend, then with me. See you soon!

    Your Teacher and Friend,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  13. The worst day of my life
    Have you ever had a bad day. What I am about to tell you is probably the worst. I got stitches in my lip. It hurt a lot. I was tossing stones into this plastic oven when a kid walks up behind me and slams the door on my head. Another reason it was the worst day of my life is that I had to go to the hospital. I hate hospitals. They always smell like sterilized plastic. One last reason that was the worst day of my life was that My mom got a speeding ticket. She was going to fast to get me to the hospital and the cop comes out of nowhere and puts on his blue lights. That is the reason that the day I got stitches in my lip was the worst day ever.
    By Robert :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. i am responding to zacks entry
    I think you did a good job with details and follow up sentances. you can improve on spelling
    your friend robert

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am responing to jadens entry
    you did agood job with details. I think you can improve on either making the paragraph all "you" or "I"

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am responding to nikitas entry.
    I think you did a good job having little or no spelling. You can improve on making more follow up sentances.
    By Robert.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am responding to Robert C's response:
    I think you could of centered the title like this,
    (The Worst Day of My life) Not like this,
    (The Worst Day of my life). You made it sound kind of funny. I like the part when you were throwing stones in a plastic stove. I think you can improve on Capitalizing your title. By Jaden S

    ReplyDelete
  18. The worst day ever
    Do you want to hear about my worst day ever? Well this is how it goes.A year ago my uncle died I dont know how but he did it was sad. It was sad because everone cryed then my mom cryed and it mad me cry. secondly when I stayed at my aunts house that was hard because she kept crying like 10 times and to hear her cry it we just so sad because she was always happy and I never heard her cry before. Lastly the hardest part was the next day because it was time for us to go back to vermont and I didnt want to leave my aunt all alone in a big house.as you can see that was the worst day ever.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I am responding to Robert's entry. I like your paragraph (not what happened to you!!) for many reasons. You followed the paragraph diagram format and included many supporting details. You could improve by adding transitions like First, next, then, lastly instead of one reason, another reason...You should also print a copy and proofread with a friend, then me, for you have many GUMS errors!

    Can't wait to see the final product!

    Your Teacher and Friend,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  20. I am responding t robert post ithink you did a good job in your details. I think you could improve on your GUMS.
    Yor friend Zachary

    ReplyDelete
  21. I amresponding to Jaylys entry.
    I think you did a good job with deatails and follow up sentances. You can improve on Telling when and were it took place.
    Robert:))

    ReplyDelete
  22. I am responding to McKenna's entry. You did a nice job following the paragraph format and using transitions. Please print a copy of your paragraph and proofread with a friend, then make changes and print again to proofread with me--you have many GUMS errors.

    Overall, nice job, sorry about your uncle:(

    Your Teacher and Friend,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  23. I am responding to nikitas entry.
    I think you did a good job having little or no spelling. You can improve on making more follow up sentances.

    your friend,

    mckenna

    ReplyDelete
  24. repost of robert post.
    The Worst Day Of My Life
    Have you ever had a bad day. What I am about to tell you is probably the worst. I got stitches in my lip. It hurt a lot. The first reason It was the worst day of my life is it hurt a lot. I was tossing stones into this plastic oven when a kid (I can not name his name because he once came here) walks up behind me and slams the door on my head. Another reason it was the worst day of my life is that I had to go to the hospital. I hate hospitals. They always smell like sterilized plastic. One last reason that was the worst day of my life was that My mom got a speeding ticket. She was going to fast to get me to the hospital and the cop comes out of nowhere and puts on his blue lights. That is the reason that the day I got stitches in my lip was the worst day ever.
    By Robert :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. I responding to jaden s I wont want that to happen bc no candy that would not be cool and good job on everthing your frand zack

    ReplyDelete
  26. The Worst Day Ever

    The worst day ever was when I had a fight with my best friend Elizabeth.
    First everyone could hear us. Especially Jalyn and Erin, and they were halfway across the playground. Second she said she would never talk to me again. It was very intense and frustrating. Lastly, I stomped off angrily. Erin and Jalyn were waiting for me. They said my face was red and the could almost see the steam rising from the ground around me. All in all that was the worst day ever, when I had a fight with my best friend Lizzie.
    By Olivia

    ReplyDelete
  27. I am responding to Olivia's post;
    I think you did a good job on your details and your follow up sentences! Something you could work on your spelling the word They. all In All you did a good job!
    Your Friend Jalyn :D

    ReplyDelete
  28. I am responding to Olivia's entry. You did a nice job following the paragraph diagram format and using proper transitions. You also did a nice job including your feelings and describing your face when you were angry. I think that you can improve your writing by adding a Hook, one more essential detail sentence with corresponding FUS AND adding a comma after all transitions. Another area you can improve is by changing your concluding sentence it is a bit unclear and needs to be reworked.

    Your teacher and friend,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  29. I am responding to Robert's repost. Please add a ? to your hook.

    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  30. The worst day ever
    ( and yes this is fiction)

    The worst day of my life started with a game of truth or dare. Of corse I had to choose dare. Olivia dared me to spend the night in the graveyard down the road. “Alright.” I said “But only if you all come with me.” Now I don’t rember quite how, but we all got split up. “Olivia?” I called into the night “Jalyn? Elizabeth? Julie? I get it ha ha very funny.” Within a matter of minuets it was dark. It was incredibly scary. First the mist started rolling in. It was making strange shapes against the silhouettes of the trees. Once, I swear I saw someone walking in the woods. I shut my eyes. Its just my imagination. I thought to myself. But there was a little voice in my head telling me otherwise. The wind started to blow and mist was gone. Except a little bit about ankle high, but that I didn’t mind. Then there was a big loud crack in the woods behind me. I turned. It’s just the wind. I thought to myself. But there was a little voice again, trying to scare me. I turned back to the woods and saw BIG YELLOW EYES. I stared. They stared back. No blinking. “Those are fake.” I said out loud. But there was that voice again telling me different. This time I recognized the voice. “Olivia,” I groaned “What are you doing?” The voice was silent. There was a rustle, and I turned back to the eyes. “And Julie, drop the fake eyes, really.” Slowly one by one they all came out. We stared at each other for a moment. And then we all laughed. Still that was SCAREY!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Potential End Of The World
    (Worst Day Of My Life)

    The worst day of my life was when all the legos in the world came to life built a small empire in my room and attacked me. First, all their tools and weapons would be come real. I have a feeling that their muskets and buzzsaws would hurt even if they are lego size. Secondly, they would have really smart people from some of my lego kits! They could build robotic suits, planes and fire-proof plastic! Lastly, there are more legos than people on earth. They might be able to take over the world, especially if they can make shrink/make bigger-ray gun. As you can see it would be horrible if lego came to life.
    By Kyle H.

    ReplyDelete
  32. THE WORST DAY EVER
    The worst day of my live was when me and my dad got in a skidoo accident.
    First we where in the middle of no where. And my dad had a cell but no survice Lastly me and my dad saw a fox 80 ft from us. A hour and 30 min a guy came on a skidoo and towed us home and I saw a fox 80 ft from us. As you can see why this was the worst day of my live

    By Zack

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  33. I am giving erin feedback
    i think u did a good job with the paraght it was long good job by Zack F

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  34. Zack you did a good job in explaning how come it was the worst day ever. I think you could improve on having more details and explain your FUS better. zack g

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  35. I am responding to Erin's post. You have great voice! I love how you use vivid language to describe the worst day ever. With that said, I think you need to go back and rework your paragraph. You lose your paragraph form: I cannot decipher essential detail sentences other than your first...no transitions and so on. Also, there is no concluding sentence. It's great that you are being creative and including vivid language, but don't get too far from the model:)

    See me with questions or for a personal conference.

    Your teacher and friend,

    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  36. I am responding to Kyle's entry. Ha, ha! Reading your paragraph was fun! It was creative, had great voice and followed the paragraph structure. I think you could improve by adding one more essential detail sentence and follow up sentence...this may make your great paragraph even better (and you would also earn a higher grade according to the rubric). Nice work!

    Your Teacher and Friend,

    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  37. I am responding to Zack's entry. First, you did a nice job following the paragraph diagram and including proper transitions. You can improve by spelling "life" not "live." Another way you can improve is by adding another essential detail sentence and follow up sentence (you only have two and you need three).

    Your teacher and friend,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  38. THE WORST DAY EVER
    The worst day of my life was when me and my dad got in a skidoo accident.
    First we where in the middle of no where. And my dad had a cell but no survice Lastly me and my dad saw a fox 80 ft from us.lastly we could not start the skidoo because it was fludded A hour and 30 min a guy came on a skidoo and towed us home and I saw a fox 80 ft from us. As you can see why this was the worst day of my live

    By Zack

    ReplyDelete
  39. Worst Day Ever!

    One day I was riding my bike through the woods and fell off my bike hitting some thing on the ground. First, It was a big stomp my bike hit and I had cuts on my arms from where I fell on the rocks. Next, I tried to get up and I kept falling I noticed my leg was tight and could not move it. Lastly, I tried to get help I could not find any help I had to stay there till some one came and looked for me. This is the worst day ever because my bike hit a stomp in the woods and I fell over and could not move my leg.
    Monique

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  40. I am responding to Erins post! I think you did a really good job! I like the great deatials! BUT there are a few spelling mistakes! Check out scary! But overall you did a great job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I was 15 years old, I had three very lovely kittens in my house; they were like my only friends. I always spent my free time to look after them attentively. Since they was born until they were 4 months, there was not a day that went by that I didn’t saw their faces or heard their voices, and I loved them so much. One day, I woke up from a nightmare in the middle of the night. My heart was beating as though it was going to explode and my body was full of sweat. In that Saturday’s morning, I had to go to study Chinese language with an impartial emotion. While I was on the way, the nightmare popped up on my mind again, and then followed by thinking of my kittens. I cannot concentrate on the class because I was unreasonably concerned about my kittens. When I came back home, everyone in my house was standing at the door and my mom said “View, your little kittens had dead already. It is an accident, while they were playing at the car’s wheels, Miss.Kaew came to her car and drove the car. When the car was moving, the kittens didn’t run away from those wheels because they didn’t know why their toys moved like that and still stayed at the top of the wheels. At last, they were dead by those wheels.” After she had finished speaking, I was crying immediately. Although many years have passed, I still always think of them, my kittens. And here is my worst day of my life; it’s the day I lost my three dear friends.

      Delete
  41. I am responding to kyles entry. I think you did a good job saying what you think would happen if legos attacked you. That being said, you tend to change from past tense to future. Like if it was all the same perspective it would be"The worst day of my life would be if legos came to life because all their tools and stuff would work." OR " The worst day of my life was the day that my legos came to life because all their tools came to life TOO" get what I'm saying?

    Still great job kyle!!!!

    ERIN WAS HERE

    ReplyDelete
  42. Best Day Ever!
    One day I was at my brother’s house and my old best friend Maia walked out and said, Hi this is Maia do you rember me? I did. First, We went to my house and Maia spent the night she played games with me and had so much fun. Next, Me and Maia went to the movie’s and watched a good movie. Lastly, We went to the mall for a few hours. This is the best day ever because I got to see my old best friend and got to hang out with her!
    Monique

    ReplyDelete
  43. Potential End Of The World
    (Worst Day Of My Life) revised

    The worst day of my life was when all the legos in the world came to life built a small empire in my room and attacked me. First, all their tools and weapons would be come real. I have a feeling that their muskets and buzzsaws would hurt even if they are lego size. Secondly, they would have really smart people from some of my lego kits! They could build robotic suits, planes and fire-proof plastic! Thirdly, They would have lego dinosaurs and other animals to ride/put in a lego zoo. The dinos and animals could bite us! Lastly, there are more legos than people on earth. They might be able to take over the world, especially if they can make shrink/make bigger-ray gun. As you can see it would be horrible/kind of cool if legos came to life.
    By Kyle H.

    ReplyDelete
  44. my worst day of my life is the time when everybody got angry at me on my birthday.my father was also angry at me.I know that everybody is busy when there were some occassions but for that why everybody is angry at me.I was very upsetthat day.At last my brother in law slapped me because I have falled one glass of water.So it became the worst day of my life.

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  45. The worst day of my life was in a EID day.In that day, my mother slapped me.

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  46. 😢😢😢😢 My worst day in my life when my great dad died from cancer in his lungs

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