Thursday, September 22, 2011

Last Friday morning I walked into Mrs. Starr's classroom and was shocked when I saw...

A good paragraph should have a topic/title, a topic sentence/main idea with with three sentences that support the main idea.  A good paragraph should end with a concluding sentence or a clincher! 

After posting your own paragraph please evaluate at LEAST one other peer.  
What did they do well? WHY
What can they improve? HOW

42 comments:

  1. Last Friday
    Last friday I walked into Mrs. Starr’s class room and was shocked when i saw her eating a bowl of worms. First, I said eww because I never saw anyone eating a bowl of worms. Second, I would faint because eating worms is sooooooo disgusting!!! Lastly I would Run out of the room Screaming on the top of my lungs. As you ca see that is what I would do if I saw Mrs. Starr eating a bowl of worms.
    By Becca

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  2. Mrs.Starr’s crazy idea

    I was shocked one Friday morning when I walked into Mrs.Starr’s classroom and saw that she had turned it into a dance club! First, I was shocked to see that she had changed all the decor! The desks and chairs had been replaced by beanbags lining the edge of the room! The light yellow paint had been replaced by a deep ocean blue. Next, she had removed all the lights. The two outer sets of lights had been replaced by colored stage lights, all aimed at the center of the room. In the middle was a disco ball, hanging in every available spot were glow sticks of orange, yellow, green, blue, and pink! But the best part of all was right in the middle of the room. A giant dance floor. Raised in a white platform, the neon lights flashed as I dropped my bag, stunned. I sat down in a beanbag picked up a soda and laughed. This was the best school day ever!

    BY ERIN

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is erin responding to becca's entry

    i liked how you said what you would do if you actually saw mrs starr eating a bowl of worms

    however i think it could have a little more voice and how could you run out of the room and pass out on the floor?

    but i really loved your paragraph :) :) :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am responding to Erin's entry
    I think you did a good job on everything like i cant even find anything that is missing on there.
    Your friend Becca

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am responding to Becca's entry. Ha! A bowl of worms...interesting, they sound yummy! I think that you did a nice job using transitions. I think that you can improve by adding follow up sentences to support your essential detail sentences, did you use a paragraph diagram? If so, I would like to look it over with you. If not, then you need to do that. I would also like you to print your paragraph so we can proof-read it together.

    Your Teacher and Friend,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am responding to Erin's post. First, you did a great job on this paragraph. You have a great voice and do a phenomenal job using words to create a mind movie for your reader.

    Here are some areas you can improve: When you wrote: "In the middle was a disco ball, hanging" you need to either delete the comma and add an "and" or begin a new sentence. You also wrote, "But the best part of all was right in the middle of the room." You should delete "But" and add a transition, this is your last sentence. Also, to improve your paragraph grade, you should add another essential detail and supporting follow up sentence. You may consider doing this by adding what your classmates or I were doing in the room...Lastly, you need a concluding transition:)

    I know there is lots of feedback on ways to make your writing better, but I want to see your writing be taken to the next level...you have so much potential:)

    Your Teacher and Friend,
    Mrs. Starr

    Add a transition to your concluding sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  7. School Surprises
    When I walked into my classroom, I saw Mrs. Starr on a built in half pipe doing many tricks. It is weird for many reasons. One, I've never seen a teacher buy a half pipe for the classroom and doing so many tricks on it! She was doing pop shuv it, impossible trick, kickflip under trick, Nightmare trick, Haslem trick, 900 trick, every trick you can think of. Even the stupid trick. Another reason it's weird to see my teacher doing tricks and stuff is because She's a teacher and she did all those tricks, better than Tony Hawk! A third reason I think it’s weird to see my teacher skateboard is because she’s a girl and I’ve never seen a girl skate like Mrs. Starr! She did a whole list of tricks that other people couldn’t even do as good as her. Finally, it is weird to see my teacher skateboard on a built in ramp because it’s breaking the school rules. I’ve never seen a teacher break the school rules because they wanted to indoor skate on a ramp. As you can see, that is why I think it’s weird to see my teacher skateboard. By Jaden S

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  8. I m responding to Erin's paragraph.
    I think she did a good job with wording but she had no details or conclusion of transitions.
    by Jaden S

    ReplyDelete
  9. Mrs. Starr’s Funky Dance Moves
    Last friday morning when I walked into the classroom I saw Mrs. Starr braking down on the dance floor to Hip-Hop music! One thing she did was the sprinkler! I stopped in the door way and froze! Then she started to do the shopping cart. That was when I said “What in the World are you doing!” She stopped to look at me for a few seconds but then she started to dance evan more crazy! Next, she did the worm and she was bad at it. It looked like she was going crazy on the floor trying to do it! Lastly, she started to spin around on the floor like a maniac, and that was about the time I ran out of the room screaming at the top of my lungs! As you can see You Would Not Want To See Mrs. Starr Braking Down In The Classroom!
    By Jalyn

    ReplyDelete
  10. The Surprise
    What would it be like if you walked into a classroom and saw something that amazed you? Well if I saw something that amazed me it would be if I walked into Mrs. Starr’s classroom and I saw a genie. He was cool. One reason the genie is cool is he grants you three wishes. The wishes could be used to help people like me. Secondly it would be cool is it could be any wish I wanted it to be. I would wish that I had infinite wishes. Then it would be cool because I could call it at anytime by rubbing a golden lamp. A last reason it would be cool is it is fun and amazing. It would be fun and amazing because I could do any thing I wanted to do. As you can see, it would be coo. if you walked into a classroom and saw a genie.
    By Zachary G

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  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am responding to Rebecca's response.
    I think she did a good job with her transitions and a good reason to be grossed out. You could improve on your grammer. By Jaden S

    ReplyDelete
  13. One Day I walked into mrs, Starrs class room And was surprised to see that she was riding around the room with a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. She was riding on the Wall like the wall like the wall of death. I walked in right ad she was riding near the door and she nearly ran me over. I looked a little farther in the room and saw tons of smoke. Kids were coughing so I knew she just did a burnout. I looked at my desk and saw that my desk was snapped in half. Kids were lying on the floor bleeding with tire reads on them. Then I woke up and fell out of bed.
    By Robert C

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am responding to roberts post robert you did a good job in making it funny and having detais. Robert you should check your grammar spelling and have trasions. Other wise the good job ;^)
    By zachary G

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am responding to Jaden's post:
    I liked the fact that you used four suporting details! Some thing you could work on is checking over your work!

    ReplyDelete
  16. The Surprise
    What would it be like if you walked into a classroom and saw something that amazed you? Well if I saw something that amazed me it would be if I walked into Mrs. Starr’s classroom and I saw a genie. He was cool. One reason the genie is cool is he grants you three wishes. The wishes could be used to help people like me. Secondly it would be cool is it could be any wish I wanted it to be. I would wish that I had infinite wishes. Then it would be cool because I could call it at anytime by rubbing a golden lamp. A last reason it would be cool is it is fun and amazing. It would be fun and amazing because I could do any thing I wanted to do. As you can see, it would be cool if you walked into a classroom and saw a genie.
    By Zachary G

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am responding to Jalyn's entry.
    I think you did a good job with transitions and four details, but you did not explain why it was weird to see Mrs. Starr dancing like a maniac.
    By Jaden S good job

    ;o

    ReplyDelete
  18. I am responding to zacks enrtry. You did a good job making It interesting. You can improve on spelling

    ReplyDelete
  19. I am posting to rebbcas paragraph i think it is good and thats is nasty when u sayed misss starr was eating worms by zack

    ReplyDelete
  20. I am responding to Jaden S's post. I think that your paragraph has great voice and details. Also, you have 4 essential detail sentences and FUS--this exceeds standard: Bravo! An area you need to improve is your GUMS. Please print a copy of your paragraph so we can start proofreading your work. If I'm not available, first do this with a friend, revise your writing, then come see me!

    Your Teacher and Friend,

    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  21. The Awkward Surprize
    One Day I walked into mrs, Starrs class room. I was Astonished to see that she was riding around the room with a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. She was riding on the Wall like the wall like the wall of death. I walked in right and she was riding near the door and she nearly ran me over. I looked a little farther in the room and saw tons of smoke. Kids were coughing so I knew she just did a burnout. Then I looked at my desk and saw that my desk was snapped in half. Kids were lying on the floor bleeding with tire reads on them. Then I woke up and fell out of bed.
    By Robert C

    ReplyDelete
  22. Mrs. Starr’s Funky Dance Moves
    Last friday morning when I walked into the classroom I saw Mrs. Starr braking down on the dance floor to Hip-Hop music! One thing she did was the sprinkler! I stopped in the door way and froze because I was scared to go in! Then she started to do the shopping cart. That was when I yelled over the music, “What in the World are you doing!” She stopped to glance at me for a few seconds but then she started to dance evan more crazy! Next, she did the worm and she was bad at it. It looked like she was going crazy on the floor trying to do it! Lastly, she started to spin around on the floor like a maniac, and that was about the time I ran out of the room screaming at the top of my lungs! As you can see You Would Not Want To See Mrs. Starr Braking Down On The Dance Floor In The Classroom!
    By Jalyn

    ReplyDelete
  23. Crazy mrs.Sarr
    One day I walked into the class room and I saw mrs starr dancing to look at me now by lil wayne chris brown and busta rhymes .So I asked her what she was doing and she said what does it look like ding dong. So I said o Ok so I sat down in my desk and did my work then she put on the song dont stop beleven and starts singing really loud. Also she sang so bad that I finally told her that she was a bad singer and dancer and that if she doesnt stop the principle will come in and fire her so she stoped and thats what happend when I walked into our classroom.


    By:mckenna

    ReplyDelete
  24. i am responding to roberts entry,
    you did great job on evrything except that you dont have a title :^)

    ReplyDelete
  25. I am responding to Jalyn's post. I laughed out loud when I read your post! The details you included about my dancing allowed me to picture myself looking, well, silly. An area you can improve is checking your GUMS...there are a few errors including words that are lacking a capital letter and you are missing a comma or two following your transitions.

    Great Job Overall!

    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  26. I am responding to Zach G's post. I think that you had a great topic sentence because it hooked by attention! I also like how you had many essential and supporting sentences. Areas you can improve include checking grammar and spelling (do this with a friend, then print another copy and see me). Secondly, you could improve by adding vivid details and give the reader specifics that will create a mind movie. Jalyn did a great job with this if you would like to see an example.

    Good work:)
    Your Teacher and Friend,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  27. I am responding to Robert's entry. Very funny! I love your title, when I read it I smiled:) I like how you used detail to create a mind movie! You can improve by A) proof reading a printed copy of your paragraph with a friend, making changes and then seeing me B) adding a concluding sentence with a transition.

    Can't Wait to See your Final Product,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  28. McKenna,
    Please see me with a printed copy of your paragraph and a paragraph diagram.

    See you soon!

    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  29. Crazy Mrs. Starr and Mr. Starr

    Do you want to hear about my crazy teacher Mrs.Starr? Well I am going to tell you about the craziest time ever that happened in class. Okay, well one day I was walking down the hallway and then when I got to my classroom door I opened it and walked in and I was shocked by what I saw! There was Mrs.Starr singing and dancing to “Barbie Girl.” Then just when I though Nothing Could Get Worse I Looked at the middle of he room and there was a pink car but that is not it there was someone in the car. It was Mr. Starr!
    I was speechless I didn’t know what to do or think All I Said Was “Wow this is awkward” Then this is the really weird part all of a sudden Mr. Starr says “come on barbie lets go party” So Mrs. Starr jumps into the pink car and says “I’m a barbie girl in the barbie world.” Then lastly Mrs. Starr Stands on the seats of the car and dances like a crazy person then Mr. Starr Starts The car up and they drive through the wall and drove until they saw the sun set. As you can see Mrs. Starr and Mr. Starr are crazy people.

    By: Nikita

    ReplyDelete
  30. Mrs. Starr’s Funky Dance Moves
    Last Friday morning when I walked into the classroom I saw Mrs. Starr braking down on the dance floor to hip-hop music! One, thing she did was the sprinkler! I stopped in the door way and froze because I was scared to go in! Then, she started to do the shopping cart. That was when I yelled over the music, “What in the world are you doing!” She stopped to glance at me for a few seconds but then she started to dance evan more crazy! Next, she did the worm and she was bad at it. It looked like she was going crazy on the floor trying to do it! Lastly, she started to spin around on the floor like a maniac, and that was about the time I ran out of the room screaming at the top of my lungs! As you can see you would not want to see Mrs. Starr braking down on the dance floor in the classroom!
    By Jalyn

    ReplyDelete
  31. i am responding to nikitas entry everything was good except you put he room instead of the room

    your friend,mckenna :^)

    ReplyDelete
  32. I am responding to Nikita's post:
    I liked the whole story it was funny and entertaining!
    Smthing you could work on is GUMS.For example, putting comas where they need to go and checking for periods!
    Posted by Jalyn

    ReplyDelete
  33. I am responding to Nikita's post. I liked your story, for it was funny. I also liked your opening sentence, it really hooked me in. I think you can improve by proofreading with me...there are lots of GUMS issues. Please print and see me.

    Your Teacher and Friend,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  34. re-post of my paragraph

    Mrs.Starr’s crazy idea

    I was shocked one Friday morning when I walked into Mrs.Starr’s classroom and saw that she had turned it into a dance club! First, I was shocked to see that she had changed all the decor! The desks and chairs had been replaced by beanbags lining the edge of the room! The light yellow paint had been replaced by a deep ocean blue. Next, she had removed all the lights. The two outer sets of lights had been replaced by colored stage lights, all aimed at the center of the room. In the middle was a disco ball and hanging in every available spot were glow sticks of orange, yellow, green, blue, and pink! Also the back counter had been replaced by a soda dispenser. At last I noticed my friends. Olivia and Jalyn grabbed two sodas off the counter and laughed. The music was turned up loud and every one was dancing and having fun. But the last and best part of all was right in the middle of the room. A giant dance floor. Raised in a white platform, the neon lights flashed as I dropped my bag, stunned. I sat down in a beanbag picked up a soda and laughed. This was the best school day ever!

    BY ERIN

    ReplyDelete
  35. erin here im responding to jalyn's post

    you did a great job saying what you would do if you saw mrs starr being incredibly silly!

    what you could improve on is having more voice and adding more reactions from others, and what i mean by that is like did you run into the principal and tell him everything? because that would be so funny?

    ReplyDelete
  36. Cuckoo-crazy Mrs.Starr
    Last Friday when I walked in to class I was surprised to find that Mrs.Starr had covered the walls of the class room with cuckoo-clocks! First, they a were elaborate and beautiful They were all hand made an elegant! Secondly, She had taken down the flag and replaced it with blue, white, and red cuckoo-clocks arranged so that they look like the U.S. of A. flag! Lastly, They cuckoo every 30 minutes and they cuckoo so loud that the whole building! As you can see it would be very weird/neat/annoying if Mrs.Starr covered the walls with cuckoo-clocks!
    By Kyle

    ReplyDelete
  37. My Teacher Mrs.Starr
    Wanna hear about my crazy teacher Mrs.Starr. One day I was walking into the classroom and I saw Mrs.Starr practice cheerleading to the Stealers football game. First of all, her cheers didn’t even rhyme. It was so hilarious.
    Second, she was wearing the mini skirt and tank top. But the outfit didn’t even match! Next, she was jumping on the desks. One time she made one fall over. Lastly as soon as I saw her I ran down the hall screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOO! All in all I was scared out of my skins when I saw Mrs.Starr practice cheerleading to the Stealers football game.
    By Olivia

    ReplyDelete
  38. I am responding to Kyle's post. I like your paragraph and found it fun to read. You have great voice! An area to improve is your GUMS. Please print a copy and let's proof read it together.

    Your Teacher and Friend,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  39. I am responding to Olivia's post. Ha, ha! I enjoyed reading your paragraph. You did a nice job using descriptive language, for I could totally imagine myself as a goofy cheerleader! An area you can improve is your GUMS. Please print a copy and let's correct your mistakes together.

    All in all, Great Work!
    Your Crazy Teacher,
    Mrs. Starr

    ReplyDelete
  40. My Crazy Teacher
    Last Friday morning I walked in and saw Mrs. Starr in the classroom. I was shocked when I saw her in a Lambergeni on all of the desks.Mrs. Starr was in the drivers seat! Secondly, I saw a dancing elephant in a two ton dress with a monster on the dress. Then, I saw a black bear in the room. I said, “ Won’t that attack you?” As you can see I was shocked to see Mrs. Starr like this!
    By Zack F

    ReplyDelete
  41. My Teacher Mrs.Starr
    Wanna hear about my crazy teacher Mrs.Starr? Last friday morning I was walking into the classroom and I saw Mrs.Starr practice cheerleading to the Stealers football game. First of all, her cheers didn’t even rhyme. It was so hilarious. Second, she was wearing the mini skirt and tank top. But the outfit didn’t even match! Next, she was jumping on the desks. One time she made one fall over. Lastly, as soon as I saw her I ran down the hall screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” All in all, I was scared out of my skin when I saw Mrs.Starr practice cheerleading to the Stealers football game.
    By Olivia

    ReplyDelete
  42. I am responding to Olivias post:
    I think it was really good! You did wel on voice and transitions! Some thing you could improve doing more reasons! But "all and all" It was realy good!
    By Jalyn

    ReplyDelete