A good paragraph should have a topic/title, a topic sentence/main idea with with three sentences that support the main idea. A good paragraph should end with a concluding sentence or a clincher!
After posting your own paragraph please evaluate at LEAST one other peer.
What did they do well? WHY
What can they improve? HOW
The Worst Vacation Ever
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation ever would be going to Pluto for several reasons! First, you would suffocate. That would be bad because you would loose air and shrivel up and die. Next, you would get really cold and freeze like a popsicle and you would also die. Thirdly, you would need to get food somehow. That would mean you would need to find living life and eat that. But that would be impossible because there is no living life on Pluto. Lastly, no one would know where you were. That would mean nobody would come looking for you and you would just simply pass away. As you can see going to Pluto would be the worst vacation ever.
By Jalyn
The Center Of The Earth
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation ever would be to go to the center of the earth for many reasons. The first reason would be my cave I would be staying in could cave in and I would die. If the cave was to close to the top of the earth, a huge dump truck could drive over it and it would go through. That would not be good. The next reason that I would not want to go to the center of the earth is that I could get lost. If i built a tunnel in vermont, I could somehow wander over to china and lose my way out. I would die. one last reason I would not want to go to the center of the earth is that I would burn up. The center of the earth is full of lava and if if made one wrong step I fall and die. As you can see, going ti the center of the earth would be very bad. it would be the worst vacation ever.
By Robert
Staying At a Haunted Hotel
ReplyDeleteIf I stayed at a haunted hotel it would be super scary but the kinda cool at the same time. First, I would bring a camera and video tape and take pictures to see if I could Get the ghosts on tape or on pictures. Secondly, I would stay up all night and do research on ghosts so if I saw a ghost I could see what it is and what it can do. Lastly, I would not want to be mean to them because it could possess you and you could die because the ghost would go in you and take after your body. Finally, That is what I would do if I stayed at a haunted hotel.
By: Nikita
The Worst Vacation EVER!!!!
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation I would have is to go back in time to when the dinosaurs lived! First, you could get hungry and tired and if you couldn’t find food or shelter you would have no were to sleep and starve!!! Next you could see dinosaurs and they could chase you and try to eat you!!! Then the volcano erupts hot lava would be chasing you and you could trip and the lava would eat you right up! As you can see that would be the worst vacation ever!!!
By Rebeca
I think you did a good job on describing the details. One thing you could fix is the spelling and the capalization.
ReplyDeleteBy Jalyn
I am responding to Jaylyns entry.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job with your transitions. you had describing words for the first,second third and concluding sentences. I think you could improve on your follow up sentences.
you did not have enough details except for your last one.
posted by Robert.
I am responding to Jalyn's entry. I think that you did a great job formatting your paragraph and using transitions. I think that you can improve by adding descriptive language (feel, touch, taste) and perhaps add more "voice" to your writing. Also, "loose" is spelled "lose" the way you are using the word. Overall, a great first paragraph-Nice work!
ReplyDeleteBecca you did a good job on the first part but it kind of was a little short.
ReplyDeleteby Jalyn
Your paragraph is veary good but you need to work on capitals and your puncuation marks.
ReplyDelete-Robert
I am responding to Robert's entry. I think that you did a great job formatting your paragraph! You included both essential sentences and follow-up sentences--this is great! I think that you could improve by checking for spelling and grammar issues, for you have a lot of lowercase letters that should be capitalized for example. Another area that I think you could improve is adding descriptive detail to engage the reader:) Cool ideas:)
ReplyDeletei am responding to Nikita entry.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job using details. you put in good describing words. One thing you can improve on is making it more of what the prompt was. you made it sound like you would want to be there.
by robert
The Worst Vacation Ever
ReplyDeleteBy Erin M
I think that the worst vacation ever would be going into my favorite TV show House of Anubis. First there’s Victor the creepy house owner. He seems like he can pop in and out anywhere following you, if you break his rules then you can consider yourself in big trouble. Also, I quote “IT IS TEN O’CLOCK YOU HAVE FIVE MINUETS PRECISELY AND THEN I WANT TO HEAR A PIN DROP!” if not you scrub the toilet with a tooth brush! Next there’s those school teachers! If you went to House of Anubis you’d have to go to school five days a week, which wouldn’t be so bad if the school teachers weren’t in a secret society with Victor! Victor would give them orders to tail you 24/7 if you were doing ANYTHING suspicious. Last, there’s Rufus Zeno! He truly has it in for the kids of House of Anubis. He once locked Patricia Amber and Nina in a rusty old storage building, and then nearly killed them with red sutic sandflys! In conclusion a vacation into House of Anubis would be horrible between scrubbing the toilet, being tailed 24/7, and possibly getting killed, I would not spend my vacation in House of Anubis.
Zombies on Vacation
ReplyDeleteIf I was playing real life call of duty Zombies It would be bad for lot’s of reason’s. The first reason it would be the worst vacation ever is because I could get eaten by a crowd zombies. That is bad because I’m too young to die and That’s not the way I want to die. Next, it would be really scary to see a zombie in real life. It would be freaky because a zombie is a dead person trying to eat you and half of it’s body is rotted off. Another reason it would be the worst vacation ever is I could run out of ammo with my pistol. that’s bad because I would have to kill zombies with only a knife, and how do you kill 500 zombies with a pistol? I don’t know either. As you can see, this is why zombies call of duty zombies would not be fun for my vacation. by Jaden S
The worst vacation
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation ever would be in a room full of terrors.It is frighting.One reason it is frighting is when you are looked in the room all you can see is snakes. Some of the snakes are rattle snakes and the King Cobra they look like there about to strike you and inject you with poison.Another reason this is a frighting vacation is there would be ton of spiders. Spiders like the black widow and the tarantula. A third reason this is a frighting vacation is there would hundreds and thousands of treacherous things. Things like bats,spiders,snakes,scorpions coming to swarm around you ready to bite or sting you.As you can see this is the worst vacation ever.
By Zachary G
The Worst Vacation Ever
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation ever hmmm let me see oh duh the worst vacation ever would have to be into the Percy Jackson the movie. Well if you are wondering why I will tell you. First of all if you were in a fight with anybody and you had a sward and only one. It was a regular sward not an special sward that shoots flames or something like that. Well anyway you get me. And you did not know how to use it you would would be in huge trouble.
Well second I suppose it would be kind of cool if you could see stuff you could never see in real life before. Like imagine if you were standing in front of a slimy scaly monster that smells like fish. EWWW! Oh and lastly if you ever go there (Ha Ha) you would have to be really lucky and strong because I doubt you would survive your vacation to spa island.... I mean to the Percy Jackson movie. Because you would end up being eaten by a monster or win a fight (yeah right). All in all I think going into the Percy Jackson movie would be the worst vacation ever!
By Olivia
I am responding to robert's entry
ReplyDeleteI think you did good in explaining your detials it helped me make a little mind moive.
I think you could improve in your grammer and speling
zachary g
repost of Roberts entry.
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation ever would be to go to the center of the Earth for many reasons. The first reason would be my cave I would be staying in could cave in and I would die. If the cave was to close to the top of the earth, a huge dump truck could drive over it and it would go through. That would not be good. The next reason that I would not want to go to the center of the earth is that I could get lost. If I built a tunnel in Vermont, I could somehow wander over to china and lose my way out. I would die. one last reason I would not want to go to the center of the earth is that I would burn up. The center of the earth is full of lava and if if made one wrong step I fall and die. As you can see, going to the center of the earth would be very bad. it would be the worst vacation ever.
By Robert Collins.
I am responding to Nikita's entry
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job on your paragraph because of your use transition words.
I think that you could improve on making a hook sentece because if you don't people would read the first sentence then they wouldent be hooked.
But other wise you did a awsome job!!
By your friend Becca
I am responding to Olivia post.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job with your description. I was able to get a good mind movie. you could improve on making it more formatted. I kind of lost track of what you were saying a few times
by Robert
The Worst Vacation Ever
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation ever would be in Hawaii. First a volcano can erupt and burn you to death. Then there is deadly sharks in the water that can bit your arm off and love your blood. Lastly if you go for a walk in deadly beer land and a black bear the bear can scratch your face and arms bad. As you can see why i donut want to go to Hawaii for a vacation.
by zack f
The worst vacation ever would be to survive the 90 disasters game on Roblox.com
ReplyDeleteFirst, you would have to survive 90 varies disasters. Some of these include rising lava, big shark heads, varies apocalypses, Justin Berber, spongbob, and Epic rubber Ducks.
Next, the buildings would most likely fall on you. When bombers, Meteorites, Dynamites, exploding presents and other exploding disasters strike.
Lastly, you would be cased by vices fruits and veggies. These in clued Oranges, and Flaming hawk potato
As you can see this would be the worst place to go on vacation and most likely without a jet-pack/gravity coil you would proudly die!
By Kyle
I am responding to olivias entry
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job with descripting words. I was able t get a good mind movie. You could improve on making it more easy to follow. I lost track a few times
I am responding to Nikita's entry. I think that you did a great job using transitions, including your concluding transition sentence. I think that you could improve on rewriting your topic sentence...it is not supported by your paragraph essential details and FUS. You can do this by using your concluding sentence (it works). If you have questions about this see me:) I also think you could improve by adding vivid details to help bring your haunted paragraph to life!
ReplyDeleteI am responding to Rebecca's entry
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job with describing why it would be the worst vacation ever.
I think that you could improve on mabey making it a little bit longer and have more descriptive paragraphs.
Post by Olivia
Do you ever wonder what the worst vacation ever would be? I know I do! It would have to be going to Pluto for several reasons! First, you would suffocate! That would be bad because you would lose air, turn blue, shrivel up, and die. Next, you freeze and look like a popsicle. That would be awful because you die slowly (and it would hurt horribly). Thirdly, you would need to get food somehow. That would mean you would need to find living life and eat that (Witch would taste horrible). But that would be impossible because there is no living life on Pluto. Lastly, no one would know where you were. That would mean nobody would come looking for you and save you so you would just simply pass away. As you can see going to Pluto would be the worst vacation ever.
ReplyDeleteBy Jalyn
I am responding to Becca's entry. I liked how your followed the paragraph diagram format: good job-a solid start. I think that you could improve by adding commas following all transitions.
ReplyDeleteI am responding to zacf fs entry
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job with your transition words. you used good first, then and lastly words. You can improve on spelling. You wrote deadly beer island
by robert
I am responding to Zackary G's paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job with your transition wording and your supporting details because they had good describing words in them. I think you could improve on not using the same thing in two different supporting details. You could of connected your first sentence with the second to make it sound better. You can also improve on your title instead of just saying the worst vacation ever. You could say something like a night in terror room.
By Jaden Sanborn
A NIGHT IN THE ROOM OF TERRORS
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation ever would be in a room full of terrors.It is frighting.One reason it is frighting is when you are looked in the room all you can see is snakes. Some of the snakes are rattle snakes and the King Cobra they look like there about to strike you and inject you with poison.Another reason this is a frighting vacation is there would be ton of spiders. Spiders like the black widow and the tarantula. A third reason this is a frighting vacation is there would hundreds and thousands of treacherous things. Things like bats,spiders,snakes,scorpions coming to swarm around you ready to bite or sting you.As you can see this is the worst vacation ever.
By Zachary G
I am responding to Olivia's entry
ReplyDeleteI think that you did a god job with the description. Even though I have a stuffed nose I could still practically smell those rotting fish.
One thing I think that you could revise is the words. 1 sward is actually spelled sword and also you kinda lost me somewhere around the middle. but I'm not sure where.
Any way, Great job
I am responding to Jaylyn's entry.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job with your transitions. you had describing words for the first,second third and concluding sentences. I think you could improve on your follow up sentences.
you did not have enough details except for your last one.
Bye your friend Becca
I am responding to Erin's entry.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a very good with your transitions and your supporting details.
I think you could improve on describing what a sutic sandfly is because I have no idea what it is.
Post By Olivia :^)
I am responding to Zack G
ReplyDeleteI think that you did a great job describing.
one thing that you could fix is your names of the spiders and things because I think they're supposed to be capital letters because your talking about a specific kind of spider/snake
erin
I am responding to Olivia's entry
ReplyDeleteI think that you did a god job with the description words. even tho i am not any were near a moster that smells like rotting fish I can still smell it that smells discusting.
I think that you could revise is the words.First of all sward is actually spelled sword and also I kind of lost my self somewhere around the middle. but I'm not sure where.
Any way great job!!!
BY your best friend Becca
I'M responding to Robert C's entry
ReplyDeletegood detail Robert
i think that you could improve on your reasons because how would you take a wrong step and die
plus the only way that would work is if you purposely dug to china
erin
I am responding to Zachary Gs entry.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a really good job with the mind movie. To be honest it actually kind of scared me a little.
One thing you could improve on is to say like if there was any funiture or not.
Post By Olivia :^)
A NIGHT IN THE ROOM OF TERRORS
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation ever would be in a room full of terrors.It is frighting.One reason it is frighting is when you are looked in the room all you can see is snakes. Some of the snakes are Rattle snakes and the King Cobra they look like there about to strike you and inject you with poison.Another reason this is a frighting vacation is there would be ton of spiders. Spiders like the Black Widow and the Tarantula. A third reason this is a frighting vacation is there would hundreds and thousands of treacherous things. Things like bats,spiders,snakes,scorpions coming to swarm around you ready to bite or sting you. As you can see this is the worst vacation ever.
By Zachary G
Im responding to Jaylans paragraph and I think you did a awesome job on your detals and eplained what would happen if you went to pluto. What I think you can improve on is your begining sentece so that way it will grab the readers atention.
ReplyDeleteBy Nikita
A NIGHT IN THE ROOM OF TERRORS
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation ever would be in a room full of terrors.It is frighting.One reason it is frighting is when you are looked in the room all you can see is snakes. Some of the snakes are Rattle snakes and the King Cobra they look like there about to strike you and inject you with poison.Another reason this is a frighting vacation is there would be ton of spiders. Spiders like the Black Widow and the Tarantula. A third reason this is a frighting vacation is there would be hundreds and thousands of treacherous things. Things like bats,spiders,snakes,scorpions coming to swarm around you ready to bite or sting you.As you can see this is the worst vacation ever.
By Zachary G
I am responding to Erin's paragraph. You did a great job writing your paragraph! I like all of the detail and your use of FUS! I think that you can improve by adding commas after each transition you use. Also, please turn your concluding sentence into two sentences (you currently have a run-on sentence). Overall, well done!
ReplyDeleteIm responding to Zachary g paragraph and i think you did great but you could improve on having more detal. Other wise i think it is awesome!
ReplyDeleteEdited Version.
ReplyDeleteThe Worst Vacation Ever
The worst vacation ever hmmm let me see oh duh the worst vacation ever would have to be into the Percy Jackson the movie. Well if you are wondering why I will tell you. First of all if you were in a fight with anybody and you had a sword and only one. And you didn’t know how to use it you would would be in huge trouble.Well second I suppose it would be kind of cool if you could see stuff you could never see in real life before. Like imagine if you were standing in front of a slimy scaly monster that smells like fish. EWWW! Oh and lastly if you ever go there you would have to be really lucky and strong because I doubt you would survive your vacation to the Percy Jackson movie. Because you would probably end up dead by the time vacation was over. All in all I think going into the Percy Jackson movie would be the worst vacation ever!
By Olivia
I am responding to Zack F's report. I think Zack's report was way to short but he did a pretty good job with his transition sentences. He should of capitalized his I and His last sentence said, that's why i donut want to go to Hawaii. I also don't understand what this sentence means, Also if you walk through a deadly beer land a black bear a bear can scratch you arms and face up.
ReplyDeleteI am responding to nikitas entry
ReplyDeletei think that you did a good job saying what you would do all night in that haunted hotel
i think you could improve on detail what does the haunted hotel look like? what kind of video camera would you use? an ultra powerful ghost taping video camera?
erin
I am responding to zack g paragraph you did a good job but you could put more detal in.
ReplyDeleteby zack f
I am responding to Kyles respons:
ReplyDeleteI like your respons alot I like how you added Justin Beiber and explaining all af your details!! A thing I think you could work on is you topic sentince It's ok but I think you could work on you Hook!!
Jalyn
I am responding to Kyle's entry.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a pretty good job with your descriptive paragraphs and the transitions.
I think you could make it a little easier to understand because I was lost a few times, your classmate Olivia. :^)
The Worst Vacation Ever
ReplyDeleteBy Erin M
I think that the worst vacation ever would be going into my favorite TV show House of Anubis. First, there’s Victor the creepy house owner. He seems like he can pop in and out anywhere following you, if you break his rules then you can consider yourself in big trouble. Also, I quote “IT IS TEN O’CLOCK YOU HAVE FIVE MINUETS PRECISELY AND THEN I WANT TO HEAR A PIN DROP!” if not you scrub the toilet with a tooth brush! Next, there’s those school teachers! If you went to House of Anubis you’d have to go to school five days a week, which wouldn’t be so bad if the school teachers weren’t in a secret society with Victor! Victor would give them orders to tail you 24/7 if you were doing ANYTHING suspicious. Last, there’s Rufus Zeno! He truly has it in for the kids of House of Anubis. He once locked Patricia Amber and Nina in a rusty old storage building, and then nearly killed them with red sutic sandflys, a poisonous and deathly insect that is very very leathal! In conclusion a vacation into House of Anubis would be horrible. Between scrubbing the toilet, being tailed 24/7, and possibly getting killed, I would not spend my vacation in House of Anubis.
I am responding to Olivia's report. I think Olivia did a good job with a lot of details in her report, but she didn't use any commas'.If she did use comma's, it would make her report more understandable. She did do a really good jobs with her transitions though. by Jaden Sanborn.
ReplyDeleteresponding to Olivia Posts
ReplyDeleteI thing you did a good job on the paragraph as a whole. I really liked how you disiscibe how the monster might smell and I don't think you need to improve.
By Kyle H.
I am responding to Jaden S's entry. I think that you did a nice job using transitions, essential sentences and follow up sentences. You can improve by checking your grammar and punctuation. For example, call of duty is a proper noun, so you should capitalize it. Also, you should check to make sure you used capitals and lowercase letters in all the right places. If you need help with editing, please come see me:)
ReplyDeleteI am responding to Zach G's entry. I think that you did a nice job following the correct paragraph format! I think that you can improve your writing in many ways. What is a room of terrors? Can you be more specific? I would like you to please see me with your writing piece:)
ReplyDeleteI am responding to Olivia's entry. I loved reading your paragraph, for you had a great voice! I also like how you included detail and followed the correct format. Also, great job using transitions. An area you can improve is your grammar and punctuation. Please see me with a copy of your writing to help you with this.
ReplyDeleteI am responding to Zach F's entry. I like how you followed the paragraph diagram format, nice start! Can you please print your writing piece and come see me:) We have a few grammatical and mechanical errors to correct. Thank You!
ReplyDeleteI am responding to Kyle's entry. I laughed out loud when reading your paragraph, for it certainly has lots of voice and personality. I think that you also did a nice job following the paragraph diagram format and using transitions appropriately. I think you can improve on spelling and grammar. Please print a copy of this and see me for extra support in this area:) See you soon!
ReplyDeleteThe Worst Vacation EVER!!!!
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation I would have is to go back in time to when the dinosaurs lived! First, you could get hungry and tired and if you couldn’t find food or shelter you would have no were to sleep and starve!!! Next, you could see dinosaurs and they could chase you and try to eat you!!! Then, the volcano erupts hot lava would be chasing you and you could trip and the lava would eat you right up! As you can see, that would be the worst vacation ever!!!
By Becca
Haunted Mansion
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation would be spending the week in a haunted mansion.The first reason why is because you could get chased by a ghost . you could get chased down the stairs or you could get chased down into the basement . next you could get murdered . You could thrown outside a window or you could get stabbed lastly you could get possessed . The possessed ghost could make you kill yourself Or other people . As you can see that would be the worst vacation ever.
by:mckenna
I am responding to Mckenna's entry. I think that you did a nice job following the paragraph diagram. An area that you need to work on is including capitalization. Also, your periods need to come at the end of a sentence (there should be no space). Please print a copy of your paragraph and see me.
ReplyDeleteMrs. Starr
I am responding to Mckenna's entry
ReplyDeleteI think that you did a fabulas job on your whole parigraph
But I think you could work on your capitals.
By your bestie becca!
i am responding to rebecca's entry i think she did a good job on spelling and that u have good expression i thing you could improve on is that you spelt erupt wrong other than that i think u did an awsome job :)
ReplyDeleteThe worst vaction would be in the game of call of duty black ops. First, there is a chans you can die. you could die because they could find you and kill you. Then, you would half to hide in a good place. Like in a cave. Lastly, That is what life would be like in call of duty black ops.
ReplyDeleteBy jaden r.i
Worst vacation ever
ReplyDeleterevised
Have you ever wondered what the worst vacation ever would be? Underwater picnic? Land Of The Lost? Maybe Jurassic park? Well here is my opinion
The worst vacation ever would be to survive the 90 disasters game on Roblox.com
First, you would have to survive 90 varies disasters. Some of these include rising lava, big shark heads, varies apocalypses, Justin Berber, spongbob, and Epic rubber Ducks.
Next, the buildings would most likely fall on you. When bombers, Meteorites, Dynamites, exploding presents and other exploding disasters strike.
Lastly, you would be cased by vices fruits and veggies. These in clued Oranges, and Flaming hawk potato
As you can see this would be the worst place to go on vacation and most likely without a jet-pack/gravity coil you would proudly die!
By Kyle
The Worst Vacachon Ever!
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacachon ever would be stranded in the middle fo a shark infested ocean.furst I would be stuck in my boat no matter what, i couldn’t move or the sharks would eat me.Two no one can see me in the middle of the pacific ocean.I couldn’t call for help because I didn’t have a cell phone! I could starve. I wouldn’t have enough food or freish water to survive. Finally’ in the midd of a shark infested ocean would be the worst vacahon ever!
New Paragraph:
ReplyDeleteThe Worst Vacachon Ever!
The worst vacachon ever would be stranded in the middle fo a shark infested ocean.furst I would be stuck in my boat no matter what, i couldn’t move or the sharks would eat me.Two no one can see me in the middle of the pacific ocean.I couldn’t call for help because I didn’t have a cell phone! I could starve. I wouldn’t have enough food or freish water to survive. Finally’ in the midd of a shark infested ocean would be the worst vacahon ever! By Tyler
Jurassic park would be the worst vacation ever for many reasons. Reason 1 is you will haft to get food your self. Reason 2 would be to try to stay hi off the ground. Reason 3 is try to stay warm. As you can see Jurassic park would be the worst vacation ever. By. Taylor
ReplyDeleteI am responding to Tyler's entry. You have included all of the parts of a paragraph you need-good work! You need to improve by adding transitions like then and next to your essential detail sentences.
ReplyDeleteI am responding to Taylor's entry. You did a nice job using the paragraph diagram to help you. You could improve by writing out 1, 2, 3 (one, two, three). Also, you are missing follow up sentences. Please follow up your reasons (essential details) with another sentence. Questions? See me.
ReplyDeleteYour teacher and friend,
Mrs. Starr
“The worst vacation ever”
ReplyDeleteThe worst vacation ever, would be in the gam call of duty black ops. First, there is a chans that you can die. You could die because they could find you and kill you. Then, you would half to hide in a good place. Like a cave. Lastly, you would not be able to shoot the gun because it is too strong.
By Jaden
The Worst Vacation Ever
ReplyDeleteThe worst vaction would be in the game of call of duty black ops. First, there is a chans you can die. you could die because they could find you and kill you. Then, you would half to hide in a good place. Like in a cave. Lastly, That is what life would be like in call of duty black ops.
By jaden r.i
I am responding to Jaden's entry. You did a nice job using transitions. You can improve by adding an essential detail sentence the supports your topic sentence (another reason why it would be the worst vacation ever). You can also improve by checking your spelling and beginning all of your sentences with capital letters.
ReplyDeleteYour Teacher and Friend,
Mrs. Starr